January 30, 2009
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0
Spasms
It's funny because the truth hurts.
Try as you might, a person can't take a quiet whiz in the woods these days without pissing on someone's low-budget backyard mockumentary. They're literally a dime a dozen; I've no doubt you'll be receiving them free in cereal boxes within the next two years. Yet as desperate for originality as I may be, I couldn't help but enjoy Brad Martin's ambitiously cheesy 2008 faux documentary Confessions of an Action Star, though I suspect one's own enjoyment may be directly related to their temperament towards the genre itself. Veteran stunt mastermind David Leitch -- who assumably called in more Hollywood favors than you've had lovers -- stars as Frank Sledge, a former dancer-turned-movie star who embarks on a veritable roller coaster ride through high-class movie stardom, ending, of course, with the implosion of his budding career. The Sledge character is a tangy combination of various action stars from days gone by, including everyone's favorite aikido wizard Steven Seagal. And while some of the jokes directed towards these fallen icons may be in poor taste, the majority of the film is breezy and light-hearted. The numerous cameos are a nice touch, in particular Eric Roberts and the man himself, Mr. Ernie Hudson. However, as interesting as these familiar names may be, it's Leitch and his natural comedic charm that rule the roost. Confessions of an Action Star may be treading on recognized territory, but it certainly deserves attention.
Recipe For Success: David Leitch as Frank Sledge + Al Leong + Matrix: The Musical Better Come Out This Year
When I Need A Lift: I too can be found dancing half-naked with men. For money.
In Thailand.
Lady parts look great in wooden drawers.
Around the time I was preparing for my supposed interview with director Robert Kurtzman, Bump creator and all-around swell guy Mark Kidwell was kind enough to share a few snapshots of a tree hugger model the legendary effects wizard had concocted based on the illustrations found in this insanely groovy comic book. If these pics are any indication of what's in store for fans of this brutally intense series, my excitement level just went off the charts and through the proverbial roof, landing somewhere within the vicinity of Uranus. As a general rule, I tend to shy away from this sort of genre-related "news" coverage, but these snazzy photos are simply too cool to pass up. Besides, I feel I owe it to Mr. Kidwell to share these images with my small yet dedicated stable of readers, especially since he went out of his way to e-mail them to me. Thanks again, Mark. Additionally, if you've never had the opportunity to experience Bump for yourself, do the clicky dance right over here to check out the first eight chapters, courtesy of our pals at Fangoria Graphix. The photos, meanwhile, can be found lurking here, here, and right here. If anyone out there in legal land has any objections regarding the availability of these images on this site, please, by all means, let me know about it. Operators are standing by. Order now! Supplies, as always, are extremely limited.
Allow four to six weeks for me to care.
January 26, 2009
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9
Spasms
Lisa will tear you apart.
There are no words in my version of the English language which can accurately describe writer/director/star Tommy Wiseau's impossibly surreal 2003 romanatic drama The Room to anyone who has not yet experienced the film for themselves. Perceived unintentional humor abounds, highlighted by a deliriously entertaining albeit undeniably awful performance from its creepy long-haired creator and a plothole-riddled script that appears to have been haphazardly conceived by a classroom full of melodramatic second-graders who spent several weeks studying old episodes of All My Children. As genuinely awful as this whole mess may seem, you'll soon discover that it's actually quite difficult to despise The Room and its quirky inhabitants, especially once that bottomless collection of memorable one-liners, awkward sex scenes, and cheap R&B tunes works its way deep into your impressionable little brain. However, despite the miles of cinematic ineptitude laced throughout the picture, one can't help but wonder if this hilariously foul affair is some sort of bizarre experiment perpetrated by a savvy group of demented sketch comics with a decidedly warped sense of humor and the uncanny ability to hide their self-awareness. Either way, The Room is a blast from beginning to end. Watch it with someone you love, but remember to keep a cassette tape in your breast pocket in order to record damning conversations. Read more about the film by clicking right here.
Recipe For Success: Tommy Wiseau's Genius? + Several Infinitely Rewatchable Scenes + Any Film With Visuals Nods To Full House Is A Guaranteed Winner
Dealing With Dealers: If you catch a thug shaking down your friend, immediately escort the villain to the police.
But don't gang up on Denny, okay? Gee whiz.
Virtual handjobs all around.
You know, there are a lot of blogs out there in this vastly interconnected cyberworld dedicated to bringing you supposedly entertaining reviews about a wide variety of cinematic treats, the majority of which aren't worth your time, patience, or bandwidth. And while I'd like to say that I'm an exception to this far-reaching criticism of modern culture, this funky little site isn't quite the be-all end-all destination for such self-serving faux-literary fiddlings I like to pretend it is. In fact, there are several well-written film-related sites that instantly turn my pasty skin an unhealthy shade of green each and every time I step through their virtual doors. Instead of ignoring these talented writers by proclaiming myself to be King Ding-A-Ling amongst film bloggers, I'm going to use this opportunity to shed some light on those who are doing superb work with their respective blogs. Not that my opinion really matters, mind you, but I'm sure they'll enjoy a little exposure on a site that is covered with virtual dust, cobwebs, and undefinable chunks of lily white ickiness. If, for some bizarre reason, you feel you've been slighted and/or unfairly snubbed from this list, remember this helpful slice of information: I don't care. Stop whining for two seconds and think about someone other than yourself for a change. Seriously, man. Sheesh.
Lurple.com - A must-read for fans of obscure, low-budget trash from around the world. Their combined wit and sense of humor are second to none, and their ability to locate grossly enjoyable oddities within the depths of foreign cinema is currently unmatched. Weng Weng for life, yo.
Damaged 2.0 - Although Louis Fowler's insanely readable blog has moved away from cinema-related carnage as of late, that doesn't mean you should blatantly ignore that man's work. For lack of better hyperbole, I'll boldly proclaim Louis to be one of the funniest bloggers in operation today. I'm still afraid to try any of the man's demented homebrew recipes.
He Shot Cyrus - Nevermind that he's currently covering Sundance for Film Threat -- El Gringo's blog is a sweet brick of cinematic candy for those who adore everything about the movies. The guy seems to have a genuine love of film, a fact which gives his blog an easy, light-hearted flow. The real deal.
Cinema Suicide - If it's cult-related news you're after, look no further. I glean all sorts of nifty information from this blog on a semi-regular basis, all of which is presented in Bryan's straight-forward, no nonsense prose. It's because of him that I located a copy of the Jon Cryer flick Dudes. Nuff said? Exactly.
Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies - Like the fellows at Lurple, the Vicar of VHS and the Duke of DVD have dedicated their free time to giving you an in-depth analysis of flicks you've probably never heard of. Obscure horror and exploitation are their forte, so prepare yourself accordingly before proceeding.
The Tao of Steve.
Although his name and trademark scowl are featured prominently on the DVD artwork for director Richard Crudo's slushy 2009 action horror outing Against the Dark, former genre icon Steven Seagal, much to our dismay, isn't the film's central character. In fact, we only catch fleeting glimpses of our silent, sword-swinging hero during the first 45 minutes, leaving us to thoughtfully ponder the question, "If Seagal isn't kicking proverbial ass at every possible opportunity, why in the hell am I wasting my precious time with this obvious 28 Days Later wannabe when I could be watching Today You Die for the thirteenth time?" The answer, of course, is simple: The last half of the movie is literally jam packed with gory, hard-hitting action, most of which is delivered courtesy of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's surprisingly charismatic cousin, Tanoai Reed. Until then, I'm afraid, Crudo's blood-soaked endeavor is a plodding, boring mess stitched together with dated editing techniques, goofy mutants, and a pointless subplot involving Keith David and an impending, stock footage supported air strike. Had Seagal's character and his merry band of hunters been given a hint of depth and a lot more screen time, Against The Dark probably wouldn't have seemed so haplessly lopsided. It's not the train wreck others would have you believe, but it certainly could have been better. Next time, leave some room for the big guy. After all, he is the only reason we're watching this nonsense in the first place.
Recipe For Mediocrity: One Cliche Premise + A Stack Of Drab Characters + Not Enough Seagal
Am I Crazy: Or did the filmmakers misspell Seagal's first name during the end credits?
Perhaps their budget wasn't big enough to afford the V.
January 21, 2009
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Spasms
Who could shoot a pancake?
Danny "Zone Troopers" Bilson's mildly moldy 1988 comedy The Wrong Guys was a childhood favorite of mine, due in part to my unusual fascination with stand-up comedians Richard Belzer and Richard Lewis, the latter of which now tap dances delicately on my last operating nerve. The film itself is as pedestrian as they come -- former cub scout buddies reunite as adults to claim the cherished Arrow of Light merit badge -- and it rarely deviates from anything that could be generically classified as broad comedy, but for those who spent their salad days watching stand-up on HBO, it's a virtual treasure trove of crunchy, light-hearted nostalgia. On tap to provide the supposed laughs, in addition to veteran comics Louie Anderson, Rita Rudner (briefly), Lewis and the Belz, are such cinematic titans as John Goodman, Tim Thomerson, Brion James, and the coolest mother-scratcher of them all, Mr. Earnest Lee Hudson. If one or all of these names fail provoke even the tiniest glimmer of excitement within your pathetically withered frame, perhaps The Wrong Guys isn't the film you should immediately add to your bloated Netflix queue. However, if you fondly remember One Night Stand and don't mind listening to Richard Lewis drone on and on about the horrors of camping outdoors, this inoffensive 86 minute romp may elicit several unexpected chuckles from open-minded film fiends across the planet. Not many chuckles, mind you, but more than enough to merit recommendation.
Recipe For Success: Richard Belzer Designing Belts + Louie Anderson's Nasally Gap-Toothed Whine + John Goodman's Manly Screaming
Get Off My Nuts: Contrary to popular belief, squirrels are notorious junk food addicts.
They're also great at transmission repair.
January 10, 2009
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Spasms
Velvet Elvis is all the luck I need.
Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels director Guy Ritchie has apparently been reunited with his missing testicles, as his ballsy 2008 British gangster epic RocknRolla is a stylish return to form for the troubled filmmaker. Of course, this also means that Ritchie is back to mimicking the moves, grooves, and attitude that made Quentin Tarantino a critically-acclaimed indie darling way back in the mid-90's. In other words, prospective viewers can expect plenty of quirky characters with quirky names, a slew of quirky crime-related situations, and heaps of quirky dialogue loaded with quirky quotable one-liners. But what does all of this silliness add up to? Not a whole lot, I'm afraid. This is pretty much the same old song and dance routine we witnessed during his other like-minded endeavors, though this one lacks the wit and panache of both Snatch and the storyteller's aforementioned debut. Everyone on-board goes a bang-up job with Ritchie's predictable script, especially veteran bad-ass Tom Wilkinson, 300 heartthrob Gerard Butler, and Wilderness scene-stealer Toby Kebbell. Finally, if everyone says their cinematic prayers like good fan boys and girls, Ritchie may deliver the next installment as soon as he's done dipping his toes in the Hollywood money pool once again. If you're the sort who enjoys this sort of silliness, RocknRolla shouldn't disappoint. Otherwise, watch Rise of the Footsoldier and move on -- there's really nothing to see here, anyway.
Recipe For Mediocrity: Generic Gangster Noodling + Thandie Newton Half Asleep + Is This All Ritchie Can Do?
Back In High School: I bought a cheap brass trumpet at a local second-hand shop.
It could only play one note, too.
January 09, 2009
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2
Spasms
Nuns don't care if you take them hostage.
Here's a tasty quote for the Region 1 DVD box art: Alexandre Aja's 2008 supernatural yawnfest Mirrors is one of the most illogical, nonsensical mainstream horror movies in recent memory. In fact, I could literally spend several unbilled man hours poking holes in its impossibly flimsy storyline, but what would be the point? The movie seems to exist in its own little microcosm, a surreal netherworld where character motivations, common sense, and basic storytelling take a backseat to cheap jump scares and savagely moronic third reel lunacy. Keifer Sutherland stars as former NYPD detective Ben Carson, a struggling alcoholic who's coping with the loss of his career, his family, and, apparently, his sanity. After taking a job as a night security guard at a crumbling department store, Ben begins to suspect that the mirrors he encounters during his daily bouts of self hatred are, in fact, looking back at him. Despite the mountain of flaws the film has stack against it, there are several effectively creepy scenes packed into the first half-hour of the flick, most of which consists of Ben wandering around the abandoned storefront with nothing more than a flashlight to guide him. However, once our hero begins his quest to unravel the unexpectedly boring mystery surrounding the origins of this reflective evil, everything starts to fall apart. Compared to the Korean original, Aja's lukewarm effort is just thick smoke and foggy mirrors.
Recipe For Disaster: Keifer Sutherland As Jack Bauer As Ben Carson + One Cheap CGI Beastie + American Horror Cries Again
Note To Aja: Please, for the love of Christ, stop remaking movies.
Stick to plagiarism, instead.
Zombie robots!
Writer/director Chris Lackey's zany religious adventure flick The Chosen One -- which should find its way into your home entertainment system via Indican Pictures -- is of the same quirky cinematic stock as the madness you're likely to hiding out on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim at all hours of the night. Combining charming albeit low-budget animation techniques with sharply-written dialogue and solid voice acting, Lackey skillfully spins the decidedly wacky tale of Lou Hanske, who, after being mauled by an escaped circus animal, bears the mark of the chosen one. Destined to fulfill a prophecy foretold by a cheesy paperback romance novelist, Lou, accompanied by his nerdy best friend and his geriatric roommate, sets out for the great state of Kansas, where he must converse with God and deliver an important message to the rest of the world. To say more, of course, could possibly ruin several of the delicious surprises Lackey has in store for his prospective viewers. However, I will disclose that said adventure does involve giant moles, shape-shifting ninjas, and an array of snarky religious satire. Naturally, if you spend most of your free time thumping bibles, chances are the film's off-beat sense of humor will be lost on you. The Chosen One, in other words, is not for everyone, though its light-hearted humor and enormous heart should win over anyone looking for an animated feature that doesn't insult your intelligence. Smart, clever, and well worth your time.
Recipe For Success: Lackey and Chad Fifer's Enormously Entertaining Script + Tim Curry + In Case You Missed It, Zombie Robots!
Wait A Second: Did I mention that the film contains zombie robots?
I thought so.
