July 15, 2009
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Teenage misery as disposable cinema.
Caution: If you are currently recovering from a particularly turbulent airline flight, woozy from taking medication that can make you drowsy, or have a distinctly lethargic outlook on life, it may not be in your best interest to investigate Jonas Akerlund's dreary 2009 serial killer opus Horsemen anytime soon. The film, an extremely depressing and hopelessly downtrodden twist on the Seven formula, finds Dennis Quaid tracking a group of biblical murderers who hope jump start the apocalypse by offing a handful of seemingly unrelated victims. However, once our disheveled hero begins digging deeper in the case, he discovers a horrifying secret, one that threatens to rip his personal and professional life asunder. Horsemen is a fairly typical, by-the-number thriller with a recognizable cast and a weak script; assembling the cinematic pieces is as easy as elementary school addition, requiring little to no brainpower from its audience. Complicating matters tenfold are the plethora of subpar performances from Ziyi Zhang, Patrick Fugit, and Quaid himself, the latter of whom appears to have rolled directly from his bed to the set without so much as a shower and a comb. The picture's lackluster finale uses the same plot device as Fear Dot Com, effectively destroying the thinly framed reality Akerlund had constructed during the first half of the feature. Horsemen is competent, but it's not great. If you're in the market for something to keep you awake and upbeat, this isn't the film in which to invest your precious time.
Recipe For Mediocrity: Dennis Quaid's Messy Appearance + Dave Callaham's Derivative Script + Ziyi Zhang Isn't Intimidating At All
Surgeon General's Warning: Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this movie.
Unless you're piloting a van full of small annoying children, that is.
Posted by
The Film Fiend
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