June 26, 2009
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Romans despise laser cannons.
Demonic Toys director Peter Manoogian's cheesy 1986 science fiction flick Eliminators has, in cinematic theory, everything you could possibly want from an action movie: martial arts experts, cyborgs, adorable robot companions, evil scientists, lasers, boat chases, a butch lesbian armed with a shotgun and a goofy french assistant, time travel, Roman soldiers, and, of course, Denise Crosby in a wet T-shirt. What more could you possibly want? If you're concerned with such things as plot, characterization, and story arcs, you're fishing in the wrong waters, as Eliminators has little to offer in those particular departments. The film follows the adventures of Mandroid, a gentleman who, for reasons that are still unclear to me, has been meticulously transformed into a shoddy, low-budget version of Robocop courtesy of a crazed inventor who would love nothing more than to travel back in time and rule ancient Rome. Since said lunatic's robotic creation isn't too keen on becoming just another killing machine, he breaks free, teams up with sexy scientist, a scruffy river rat, and a ninja in the woods, and proceeds to exact revenge upon his demented maker. The picture is, essentially, a comic book come to life, though it lacks the spit and polish of its modern-day brethren. However, if you're a fan of producer Charles Band and you have a high tolerance for sci-fi goofiness and lots of poorly-staged action sequences, Eliminators should help pass the time without too much physical discomfort. Should your brain attempt to reject the material, beat your face repeatedly against a urinal and proceed with caution. I adore it.
Recipe For Success: Lots Of Brainless Action + Kung Fu In The Woods + One Laughably Awful Ending
You Know It's True: Lesbians make excellent guides in Mexico.
Especially if they're overweight.
1 Spasms:
I used to love this film as a kid, would like to see it again and see what I liked so much! I don't remember the lesbian but the ninja jumping through a fan was excellent - but I was 8.
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