 UFC for pretty weenies.
If you're curious as to what is completely wrong with American martial arts flicks these days, look no further than Jeff Wadlow's glossy MMA high school drama Never Back Down. Nevermind the fact that the film borrows heavily from John G. Avildsen's 1984 classic The Karate Kid or that everyone in the entire production appears to have stepped off the set of an expensive music video. In fact, I was more than willing to overlook the predictable nature of its story and the vapidness of its good-looking cast of golden brown characters; these things are secondary when it comes to this sort of picture. Unfortunately, when good versus evil finally lock horns at the end of the film, the audience is left wanting much more than what they're ultimately given. Martial arts movies are all about the third reel showdown, the proverbial final fight -- it's what makes the entire setup worthwhile. Never Back Down robs you of an appropriate conclusion by turning its climatic battle into a cheap YouTube video lensed by a epileptic teenager. Granted, not every film can have the vehemence of Wilson Yip's SPL, but they could have at least tried. Unless you're sixteen year-old girl, don't even bother with this one.
Recipe For Disaster: One Predictable Story + A Serious Lack Of Intensity + Blonde Chicks Are Troublemakers
Regarding Djimon Hounsou: This guy's a decent actor. What he's doing here is a mystery to everyone.
Unless, of course, you've already seen Biker Boyz.
 It's really popular in South America.
Warning: Do not go into Malevolence director Stevan Mena's silly 2008 mockumentary Brutal Massacre expecting a gore-soaked, balls-out horror/comedy. Such a presumptuous endeavor will only lead to a severe case of the disappointments. Instead, prepare yourself for yet another entry into the faux-documentary genre, one that manages to overcome your increasing disdain for this particular storytelling device with the assistance of a stellar cast, a great script, and a slew of memorable moments. The film's unusually dry sense of humor is boosted by several strong performances from its cast of marginally familiar faces, including American Werewolf in London star David Naughton, horror icon Ken Foree, and Clerks alumni Brian O'Halloran. Most of the sitcom-style scenarios which occur in this old-school comedy of errors work exceptionally well, but when the film backfires, you can hear the report for miles. Additionally, some of the acting comes across a bit blocky, ruining a number of potentially hilarious routines in the process. However, despite its moldy collection of forgivable flaws, Brutal Massacre is an enjoyably goofy romp through the horror filmmaking process. Even if you wind up hating the whole bloody affair, you have to admit that ADR gag is priceless.
Recipe For Success: One Peculiar Sense Of Humor + Brian Freakin' O'Halloran + Ken Foree's Bowel Problems
Seriously Though: Slasher films for kids sounds like an exceptional idea to me.
Somebody call my agent.
 Don't be retarded. Just buy it.
Last year I had the privilege to be one of the first to investigate writer/director Isaak James' hilarious faux-documentary Special Needs, a film which goes out of its way to poke fun at the reality television phenom we've been wallowing in for the past several years. Though the concept of the picture suggests cruelty towards those living with a handicap, you'd be wrong to assume as such. James is much smarter than that, and his skill and both a writer and director allow him to turn a very touchy subject into something profoundly funny and remarkably original. Now, thanks to the Lloyd Kaufman and the wonderful people at Troma, you, too, can own Special Needs on DVD for just a handful of crispy dollars. If you're still having second thoughts about picking this puppy up, feel free to read my review of the film. It may help steer you in the right direction. Also, don't hesitate to stop by the official website to read what others had to say, including a snazzy write-up from Microcinema Scene's Louis Fowler! Honestly -- what more could you possibly ask for?
I honestly can't think of anything at the moment.
Release Date: March 1996Directors: Joel & Ethan CoenTagline: A homespun murder story.Trailer: Click Here
 Old school ass-kickery.
Leave it to French film guru Luc Besson and B13 director Pierre Morel to reinvent the kidnap caper. The duo's sleek, uncomplicated 2008 action thriller Taken tackles the overused "parent rescuing abducted child" scenario and gives it a good swift kick in the cinematic gonads, resulting in a truly intense, impossibly enjoyable picture which zips along at an unbelievably fast pace. But let's get one thing straight -- Taken is not a deep movie, nor does it strive to be. The first thirty minutes are almost too hockey to endure, especially when Neeson and his military buddies are discussing our hero's penchant for abandoning covert operations in order to make birthday phone calls to his beloved daughter. However, after the girl and her friend are snatched, the film ditches the sappiness for several highly engaging fight scenes, car chases, and more than a handful of nail-biting shoot-outs. There are moments, unfortunately, when the film feels like a Steven Seagal vehicle with a snappier cast and a bigger budget, especially in terms of character motivation and plotting. That said, once Neeson begins his brutal assault on his daughter's kidnappers, you'll forgive the film its shortcomings. Outside of Wanted, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better popcorn flick this year.
Recipe For Success: A New Twist On An Old Premise + Liam Neeson's Fists Of Fury + France Is Kind Of Dangerous
Lessons From Luc Besson: A good story always comes secondary to incredible action.
It's very easy to distract people with violence.
 Define "slumming it."
Note to budding filmmakers across the globe: Enough with the psychological horror flicks, already. We're full up on formulaic thrillers, thank you very much. Unless you've got something incredibly original to contribute to this disgustingly bloated genre, chances are your production is going to look something like Yossi Sasson's generic 2008 failure Dead and Gone. In order to distract you from horror author Harry Shannon's brutally uninspired tale of one desperate man's descent into utter madness, Sasson and crew will assault you repeatedly with cheap computer generated images, questionable editing techniques, and surprise cameos (Zack Ward, Kyle Gass) the were probably acquired at some low-rent charity auction for struggling directors. Strip away the borrowed ideas, the dollar store gore, and Felissa Rose and you've got a poorly shot, incompetently acted movie-of-the-week, a discarded episode of The Ghost Whisperer. If not for one genuinely creepy moment and a great albeit gratuitous fight sequence, Dead and Gone would have been a total wash. Unless you've got a thing for monotony, try your best to avoid it entirely. But at least Lionsgate spared no expense on the DVD artwork, right? That's got to account for something.
Recipe For Disaster: Harry Shannon's Idea Of Horror + One Predictable Ending + Why Are All Rednecks Rapists?
One More Thing: Was it me or was Kyle Gass reading cue cards?
Or was he looking at the man holding the gun?
 Ain't love grand?
While I do secretly enjoy director Richard Fleischer's goofy 1985 adventure epic Red Sonja more than I probably should, I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of a remake, especially when the redux finds Rose McGowan in the lead role and Robert Rodriguez producing the whole sordid affair. Hell, I love Desperado and Planet Terror more than most of my family and friends. What I am concerned about, however, is the presence of Highlander: Endgame craftsman Douglas Aarniokoski. He's a great cinematographer, to be sure, but his directing abilities do leave much to be desired. Alas, I'll probably pony up the proverbial dough to watch this questionable flick once it arrives in theaters, though I do plan to go into the showing with my expectations in check and suitably sedated. As long as they don't go overboard with the whole "female warrior" scenario, everything should be right with the world. Assuming, of course, that Douglas doesn't completely botch the job, though I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. But just this once, okay? Super.
Click here to see bigger versions of the artwork.
 Tossing the French for fun and profit.
In order to fully appreciate director Peter Berg's misunderstood 2008 superhero outing Hancock, one must not only be fully prepared to consume the highly unusual plot twist which arrives very late in the game, but digest it completely without vomiting profusely on the person sitting next to you. Vincent Ngo and Vince Gilligan's comical tale of a drunken big city stooge with superhuman powers clips along at a breezy, light-hearted pace, that is, until this curious twist is suddenly pulled out of the proverbial hat like so many fluffy white bunnies. Problem is, once it arrives, the film becomes strangely somber and, at times, unnecessarily depressing. The last thirty minutes are saved only by surprisingly solid performances from Will Smith and Jason Bateman, though professional toothpick Charlize Theron does her best to undermine their abilities. Had the film been fleshed out beyond its meager 92 minutes, perhaps this conclusion wouldn't have been quite so jarring. Kudos to Berg and crew for attempting something a little different with their big-budget summertime blockbuster; I seriously doubt many will appreciate the film for what it is. Maybe it will find its audience on DVD. Then again, maybe not.
Recipe For Success: An Unusually Smart Script + Will Smith + Someone Get Theron A Cupcake, Stat!
I Have The Power: If I had the abilities of John Hancock, I'd probably just kick people around.
And I'd probably start with you.
 You have entertained my family.
Genuinely engaging and overwhelmingly hilarious, Better Luck Tomorrow director Justin Lin's snappy 2007 comedy Finishing the Game is easily the talented filmmaker's best picture to-date. And while he's still milking the Asian thing for all it's worth, Lin's deft direction and sharp sense of humor allows you to forgive what few cinematic trespasses make their way on-screen. The film chronicles the hijinks surrounding a fictional casting call for a cheap Bruce Lee lookalike to complete his unfinished opus, the 1978 patchwork classic Game of Death. Shot in the same grossly overused mockumentary style as Waiting for Guffman, this tangy scenario -- which incorporates a plethora of cheesy footage from several fake 70's movies and television programs -- gives Lin and co-writer Josh Diamond the opportunity to poke fun at such a ridiculous endeavor, though both men are clever enough not to rely on the same joke over and over again to power their production. What's more, every single performance is whip-smart and spot-on, including a great turn by Dustin Nguyen as a washed-up actor struggling to cope with his floundering career. Were it not for In Bruges, Finshing the Game would be the best movie I've seen this year. Highly recommended.
Recipe For Success: Lin & Diamond's Great Script + Sung Kang + I'll Do My Own Laundry, Okay?
Don't Hurt 'Em Hammer: It's good to see the man's getting back in the game.
Even if he looks ridiculous pretending to smoke a cigar.
 I'm, like, back and stuff.
After a brief disappearance into 404 Hell, your good friend The Film Fiend has triumphantly returned, and he's ready and willing to delicately fondle your precious bandwidth. What caused this short term holiday into the inky black void, you ask? Well, I'm not entirely sure. However, my time away from the site has given me an opportunity to re-evaluate what, exactly, I'm trying to accomplish here. Since I'm giving a lot of attention to other things these days, filling this blog with lengthy reviews seems like an impossible mission, especially since I'm contributing reviews at least once a week to Bryan White's snazzy website Cinema Suicide. So, until I determine what I'm doing and where I'm going, expect blog posts to become a bit more frequent and my reviews to drop a few inches in the word count department. Not too much, mind you, but enough to make things a little easier in the writing department. Additionally, there are so many films I want to tackle that attempting anything else would be sheer madness. As always, tell your friends and family and BFFs to stop by. I don't have any cake left, but the intelligent conversation is just warming up.
Yeah, right.
 They can't all be made of iron.
Say, didn't you just love Edward Norton in Louis Leterrier's overblown summer spectacle The Incredible Hulk? Are you still filling various message boards with your biased, poorly-written fanboy scribblings on Robert Downey, Jr.'s role as Tony Stark in John Favreau's big-budget masterpiece Iron Man? I bet you are. Here's the rub: Before they became synonymous with quality motion pictures, comic book giant Marvel had quite a few stinkers on their resume, films that you and your entire nerd-like herd should avoid if you really value your precious time. Since knob-jobbing Marvel Studios and Avi Arad seems to be the thing to do these days, I thought I'd go in the opposite direction and fill some empty Internet space with the productions that have, for one reason or another, thoroughly disappointed the vast majority of those who dropped their hard earned dollars to check them out. I'm sorry if any of these entries offends your delicate sensibilities, but I'm sure you'll appreciate my honesty and integrity. Not really, but you know what I mean. Of course, if you strongly disagree with my choices, feel free to flame me until I'm able to shed this pasty white complexion forever. You know you want to. Just ask your mom's permission first, okay?
On with the countdown!
10. Elektra - I'm sure you're asking yourself, "How in the hell is this box-office flop better than everything else on this arrogant list?" Here's the answer: I'm not really sure. What it does have, however, is Jennifer Garner is a tight red outfit and lots of wonky action sequences better suited to live-action Saturday morning kids programs than a major motion picture. It's entertaining for unintended reasons, mind you, but at least it's watchable. The director's cut, by the way, is the only way to roll. Assuming, of course, that you're a connoisseur of absolute crap.
9. Daredevil - Mark Steven Johnson's adaptation of a comic book no one really remembers is, in theory, a somewhat decent motion picture. What prevents it from becoming something memorable is Ben Affleck's thoroughly wooden turn as Matt Murdock, blind lawyer by day and visually-challenged superhero by night. The Kingpin was also, no pun intended, a huge disappointment, as I don't recall him being either African-American or a total pantywaist. Oh, well. At least Bullseye was amusing. Right?
8. Hulk - Ang Lee? Directing a superhero movie? I'm sure it sounded like a good idea at the time, but the Lust, Caution filmmaker isn't exactly a master of computerized on-screen adventure. Sure, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was an absorbing experience, but the man's penchant for brutally slow storytelling doesn't translate well with action-oriented material. What's worse, Lee gives us a mutant poodle to contend with, a sequence featuring a gravity-defying Hulk, and a finale that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. What a waste.
7. Fantastic Four (2005) - It's pretty sad when I'd rather watch Roger Corman's unreleased version of this sci-fi goofiness than Tim Story's glossy, big-budget counterpart. Nobody on-screen has any sort of chemistry, in particular Jessica Alba and Ioan Gruffudd. And who's idea was it to make Dr. Doom a square-jawed pretty boy who spends most of the movie without his iconic mask? The sequel, it's worth noting, is actually much better than the original. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a naked computer-generated silver dude on a surf board.
6. The Punisher (2004) - When Thomas Jane used a fake fire hydrant to cause some trouble in Jonathan Hensleigh's embarrassingly terrible adaptation of The Punisher, I knew I'd made a mistake. Not only does the film feature a scene-chewing John Travolta as the only remotely interesting villain, it's also strangely boring and, quite frankly, beyond stupid. Not even the director's cut could make this garbage easier to swallow. Stick with the superior late-80's Dolph Lundgren version and you'll be okay. Just try to ignore Louis Gossett, Jr.
5. Man-Thing - No, I don't remember the comic book. At all. And judging from the cinematic swill crafted by Feed director Brett Leonard, I seriously doubt I'll be investigating the source material at any point in the near future. Going into detail as to why, exactly, this film is a complete mess would take longer than I'm willing to devote to such nonsense. Rest assured, however, that there's nothing remotely interesting about the movie, especially since the titular beast doesn't arrive until the very end. I've been robbed!
4. Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. - David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury? You've got to be kidding me. Chomping a wet cigar and delivering lines like a butch Kurt Russell impersonator, the legendary Baywatch star, along with December Boys filmmaker Rod Hardy, gets everything absolutely wrong. It's hard to believe that David Goyer wrote the script. Wait a second -- didn't he write and director that awful 2007 feature The Invisible? He did? Nevermind. It makes perfect sense now. Thank God for Marvel's brave decision to cast Samuel L. Jackson in the upcoming film.
3. Captain America - Written by Stephen Tolkin and directed by B-movie hack Albert Pyun, this dodgy 1990 version of the famous World War II comic book hero is, quite possibly, one of the worst comic book motion pictures of all time. Matt Salinger makes for a terrible Steve Rogers, especially once he slips into that unfortunate costume and begins tossing his shield around. Also on-board for the ride is Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, Melinda Dillion, Michael Nouri, Darren McGavin, and Scott Paulin as The Red Skull. Amusing only to those who love low-budget trash. A redux is sorely desired.
2. Howard the Duck - While I happen to love every inch of this insanely silly flick, I can understand why everyone else on the planet tends to hate it with an undying passion. It doesn't even come close to capturing the tone of the comic book, which seemed to have its roots in 50's and 60's science fiction novels. Unless you're just in the market for a movie that features a grown woman having sexual relations with a wise-cracking duck from another dimension, don't even bother to track it down. Tim Robbins would also like you to keep this in the closet.
1. Ghost Rider - Yes, dear readers, this is the lowest point of Marvel's Hollywood output. Even though I saw this brutally awful cinematic atrocity for free, I still would like Nicholas Cage to fly to my spacious abode and personally apologize for taking part in this sad, pathetic little project. Not one to learn from his previous mistakes, Daredevil director Mark Steven Johnson essentially repeats them all over again, thrusting horrid dialogue and bargain basement effects at the audience in such a rapid fashion that you don't realize how wretched the film is until the whole thing has come to a close. It's the cinematic equivalent of date rape, and I'm still a little emotional about it.
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