July 03, 2008
|
They can't all be made of iron.Say, didn't you just love Edward Norton in Louis Leterrier's overblown summer spectacle The Incredible Hulk? Are you still filling various message boards with your biased, poorly-written fanboy scribblings on Robert Downey, Jr.'s role as Tony Stark in John Favreau's big-budget masterpiece Iron Man? I bet you are. Here's the rub: Before they became synonymous with quality motion pictures, comic book giant Marvel had quite a few stinkers on their resume, films that you and your entire nerd-like herd should avoid if you really value your precious time. Since knob-jobbing Marvel Studios and Avi Arad seems to be the thing to do these days, I thought I'd go in the opposite direction and fill some empty Internet space with the productions that have, for one reason or another, thoroughly disappointed the vast majority of those who dropped their hard earned dollars to check them out. I'm sorry if any of these entries offends your delicate sensibilities, but I'm sure you'll appreciate my honesty and integrity. Not really, but you know what I mean. Of course, if you strongly disagree with my choices, feel free to flame me until I'm able to shed this pasty white complexion forever. You know you want to. Just ask your mom's permission first, okay?
On with the countdown!
10. Elektra - I'm sure you're asking yourself, "How in the hell is this box-office flop better than everything else on this arrogant list?" Here's the answer: I'm not really sure. What it does have, however, is Jennifer Garner is a tight red outfit and lots of wonky action sequences better suited to live-action Saturday morning kids programs than a major motion picture. It's entertaining for unintended reasons, mind you, but at least it's watchable. The director's cut, by the way, is the only way to roll. Assuming, of course, that you're a connoisseur of absolute crap.
9. Daredevil - Mark Steven Johnson's adaptation of a comic book no one really remembers is, in theory, a somewhat decent motion picture. What prevents it from becoming something memorable is Ben Affleck's thoroughly wooden turn as Matt Murdock, blind lawyer by day and visually-challenged superhero by night. The Kingpin was also, no pun intended, a huge disappointment, as I don't recall him being either African-American or a total pantywaist. Oh, well. At least Bullseye was amusing. Right?
8. Hulk - Ang Lee? Directing a superhero movie? I'm sure it sounded like a good idea at the time, but the Lust, Caution filmmaker isn't exactly a master of computerized on-screen adventure. Sure, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was an absorbing experience, but the man's penchant for brutally slow storytelling doesn't translate well with action-oriented material. What's worse, Lee gives us a mutant poodle to contend with, a sequence featuring a gravity-defying Hulk, and a finale that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. What a waste.
7. Fantastic Four (2005) - It's pretty sad when I'd rather watch Roger Corman's unreleased version of this sci-fi goofiness than Tim Story's glossy, big-budget counterpart. Nobody on-screen has any sort of chemistry, in particular Jessica Alba and Ioan Gruffudd. And who's idea was it to make Dr. Doom a square-jawed pretty boy who spends most of the movie without his iconic mask? The sequel, it's worth noting, is actually much better than the original. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a naked computer-generated silver dude on a surf board.
6. The Punisher (2004) - When Thomas Jane used a fake fire hydrant to cause some trouble in Jonathan Hensleigh's embarrassingly terrible adaptation of The Punisher, I knew I'd made a mistake. Not only does the film feature a scene-chewing John Travolta as the only remotely interesting villain, it's also strangely boring and, quite frankly, beyond stupid. Not even the director's cut could make this garbage easier to swallow. Stick with the superior late-80's Dolph Lundgren version and you'll be okay. Just try to ignore Louis Gossett, Jr.
5. Man-Thing - No, I don't remember the comic book. At all. And judging from the cinematic swill crafted by Feed director Brett Leonard, I seriously doubt I'll be investigating the source material at any point in the near future. Going into detail as to why, exactly, this film is a complete mess would take longer than I'm willing to devote to such nonsense. Rest assured, however, that there's nothing remotely interesting about the movie, especially since the titular beast doesn't arrive until the very end. I've been robbed!
4. Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. - David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury? You've got to be kidding me. Chomping a wet cigar and delivering lines like a butch Kurt Russell impersonator, the legendary Baywatch star, along with December Boys filmmaker Rod Hardy, gets everything absolutely wrong. It's hard to believe that David Goyer wrote the script. Wait a second -- didn't he write and director that awful 2007 feature The Invisible? He did? Nevermind. It makes perfect sense now. Thank God for Marvel's brave decision to cast Samuel L. Jackson in the upcoming film.
3. Captain America - Written by Stephen Tolkin and directed by B-movie hack Albert Pyun, this dodgy 1990 version of the famous World War II comic book hero is, quite possibly, one of the worst comic book motion pictures of all time. Matt Salinger makes for a terrible Steve Rogers, especially once he slips into that unfortunate costume and begins tossing his shield around. Also on-board for the ride is Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, Melinda Dillion, Michael Nouri, Darren McGavin, and Scott Paulin as The Red Skull. Amusing only to those who love low-budget trash. A redux is sorely desired.
2. Howard the Duck - While I happen to love every inch of this insanely silly flick, I can understand why everyone else on the planet tends to hate it with an undying passion. It doesn't even come close to capturing the tone of the comic book, which seemed to have its roots in 50's and 60's science fiction novels. Unless you're just in the market for a movie that features a grown woman having sexual relations with a wise-cracking duck from another dimension, don't even bother to track it down. Tim Robbins would also like you to keep this in the closet.
1. Ghost Rider - Yes, dear readers, this is the lowest point of Marvel's Hollywood output. Even though I saw this brutally awful cinematic atrocity for free, I still would like Nicholas Cage to fly to my spacious abode and personally apologize for taking part in this sad, pathetic little project. Not one to learn from his previous mistakes, Daredevil director Mark Steven Johnson essentially repeats them all over again, thrusting horrid dialogue and bargain basement effects at the audience in such a rapid fashion that you don't realize how wretched the film is until the whole thing has come to a close. It's the cinematic equivalent of date rape, and I'm still a little emotional about it.
2 Spasms:
my problem with a lot of naysayers is that they didn't read the source material.
Case in point; Fantastic Four. The big budget glossy Fantastic Four got terrible reviews, but as a long time FF fan, I loved it. I loved the campy versions of the comics, and so the movie had a lot of inside jokes.
Nice list though. Although, I'm not sure I agree with all of them.
I did however, see a vhs copy of Captain America, now that was bad.
I seem to remember a 70s Captain America made-for-TV thing where Cap was an Easy Rider-type who instead of having a blue cowl with tiny wings had a stars-and-stripes motorcycle helmet and shades.
Or did I dream it?
Post a Comment