REVIEW: Welcome To The Jungle

Irritating twenty-somethings taste like Spam.

Almost every review I've read regarding Jonathan "I ruined The Punisher" Hensleigh's dodgy 2007 horror flick Welcome to the Jungle has described this boring tale of annoying characters and their ill-fated journey into cannibal country as a rancid combination of The Blair Witch Project and Cannibal Holocaust. Unfortunately, this generic assessment isn't too far off the mark. Using the same tired gimmick as George Romero's Diary of the Dead and Matt Reeves' overhyped monster flick Cloverfield, Hensleigh and his barely passable cast attempt to recreate the same sense of dread and impending doom which made its predecessors so impossibly appealing. Sadly, Welcome to the Jungle is just another dull, half-hearted horror picture, an entirely forgettable notch in the fake documentary bedpost. The story starts out surprisingly strong, using the tale of Michael C. Rockefeller's mysterious disappearance into the tribal region of New Guinea as the backbone for an impromptu adventure across a visually stunning landscape. However, 30 minutes into the production, our uninspired collection of moronic characters begin to bicker and whine endlessly, effectively ruining the mounting tension Hensleigh had constructed at the beginning of the feature. The final reel, while brutal, isn't anything we haven't seen before, including a cryptic closing shot which should have been a genuine, gasp-inducing stunner. Welcome to the Jungle isn't a complete failure, mind you, but it doesn't do anything remotely original with the insanely intriguing legend that inspired it. Gale Anne Hurd should be ashamed of herself.

Recipe For Disaster: Shaky Performances + Annoying Characters + Same Dog, Same Tricks

Why I'm Not Surprised: I really hated Hensleigh's version of The Punisher.

A fire hydrant? Seriously?