It's over, Zombie. It's over.Before I begin this venomous rant, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I do not respect Rob Zombie as a filmmaker or a musician. When I was younger, I used to think White Zombie was a fairly decent band, that is, until I realized that Zombie releases the same goofy song over and over and over again with slightly different lyrics. Even his solo albums stink of familiarity, resulting in one long industrial memory when one attempts to recall a particular song. His so-called "horror films," needless to say, are plagued by the exact same problems as his moldy musical endeavors. That said, I was more than willing to give poor Rob the benefit of the doubt when I heard about this pathetically pointless remake, but I'm afraid those days are currently turning to dust within the dark confines of my musty fruit cellar.
With that tasty tidbit of information out of the way, I can openly state that Rob Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's immortal classic Halloween is a flat-out disaster. The wonky House of 1000 Corpses director continues to operate under the questionable modus operandi of "shock and sleazy are much more effective than suspense and story," a fact which proves the man clearly has no idea how solid horror flicks are made. Was I expecting the second coming of Christ with this redux? Of course not. I did, however, expect someone as horror-obsessed as Robert to understand the fundamentals of genre filmmaking. This is amateur hour, folks, lensed by a man struggling to save his floundering career.
Going against everything that made the original an unforgettable atmospheric nightmare, Zombie decides to spend quite a bit of quality time with the dysfunctional Michael Myers as a greasy-haired, animal-torturing hillbilly brat, thereby demystifying the character and robbing him of the aura of mystery that originally made the character so appealing. In fact, a large chunk of the film is spent with this disturbed little freakshow, following his slow transformation from misguided youth to the hulking mass of misplaced rage we are presented with during the last 50 minutes or so of the film. Zombie's attempts to humanize this beast are genuinely pathetic, especially when he doesn't even bother to develop the characters we're supposed to be pulling for in the first place.
Or maybe I missed the point. Maybe Halloween is just another lame attempt by this grossly overrated director to glorify the proverbial serial killer, to elicit a little sympathy for a kid whose twisted childhood forced him into a life of random murder and savage violence. Halloween, in its current form, could easily pass for some sort of pointless prequel to The Devil's Rejects, a maladjusted character study for a long-lost member of the Firefly family. After all, both films feature a bevy of foul-mouthed redneck slobs and low-class degenerate sleazebags, traits which seem to be a staple of every artistic project Zombie attempts. The guy's overwrought one-note act is quickly wearing thin, I'm afraid.
Sadly, Halloween's first half isn't the worst part of the movie. After Michael makes his daring escape from the asylum and acquires a nifty jumpsuit from yet another horror-tinged cameo -- of which there are many, I might add -- we are presented with a selection of Zombie's favorite moments from the beloved John Carpenter masterpiece. The problem, of course, is that Rob isn't exactly skilled in developing palpable suspense; the beauty of the original is the anticipation of the kill, an element which is sorely missing from the version currently inching its way into theaters. Since Myers kills frequently and indiscriminately, the murders lack genuine intensity despite the director's willingness to toss buckets of blood and gore all over his paper-thin victims. How completely uninspired.
The cast Zombie has assembled is certainly an entertaining bunch, though the man's lackluster script gives them little to work with. Horror fans, I should mention, will thrill to see a number of their favorites back on the big screen, including such memorable icons as Udo Kier, Ken Foree, Leslie Easterbrook, Clint Howard, Sheri Moon's ass, blah blah blah -- you know the drill by now. Perhaps the saddest individual in the entire flick is Malcolm McDowell, whose turn as the iconic Dr. Sam Loomis is an enormous embarrassment to all of his red-faced family and friends. McDowell seems lost, aimless, as if he wishes he'd never agreed to appear in this insanely dodgy project. I feel your pain, Malcolm. I certainly do.
And while it's cool that Danielle Harris is saucy enough to play a teenager for the second decade in a row, it's quite obvious that the girl hasn't set foot inside a high school in over twelve years. Nice try, though.
During my limited research into the production of Zombie's Halloween, I discovered several individuals who claimed to have seen a workprint version of the film, a cut which includes a few odd alterations to the final print. From what I've read on countless message boards and various horror-themed gossip sites, the workprint contains a very brutal rape scene, a different escape scenario, and a completely revamped conclusion. Perhaps these scenes will find their way into the eventual special edition director's cut, though I doubt anything could save this flick from collecting dust in Wal-Mart's five-dollar bargain bin.
Rob Zombie's Halloween is a mess, dear readers, one you'd be wise to avoid altogether. In place of suspense and tension and genuine thrills, one of the genre's least talented filmmakers has given us blood, boobs, and shock for the sake of shock. This stuff has its place, mind you, but when every film the guy makes feels exactly the same, you have to question his abilities as a director. Remaking a film like Halloween was a risky decision in the first place, especially since so many people regard it as one of the best horror flicks ever made. And while I can't necessarily say it's one of my favorites, I do respect the influence its had on everything from music to graphic novels. Given Zombie's exhaustive knowledge of the genre, I expected him to at least respect the material.
Hang your head in shame, Robert.
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The Film Fiend
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4 Spasms:
after the rape scene i left the theater,it was too realistic.it should have been rated x
Other then the original and part 2 this was the best movie to feature a kiler from Haddonfield, Illinois named Michael Myers. Case closed.
The text on your web page is hard on the eyes. Swith to a sans serif font.
Why did u leave after the rape scene u twat. That was one of the best parts
Ok too the guy that said he left the movies after the rape scene
Ur a liar because the rape scene is only on the UNRATED DVD never shown in the public theaters idiot
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