July 11, 2007
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Mall security! Drop the queen!There are some movies, I'm sorry to say, that will never see the inside of a mainstream retailer like Best Buy or Wal-Mart. They will never know the joys of shrink wrap, security stickers, or wanton theft by cinema-starved ghetto rabbits. According to my grandmother's psychic lover, certain films exist only as dollar-store cut-outs or used CD shop bargains, unwrapped by unseen hands and naked to the world. I often feel like I've been stripped naked to the world, though it's usually because I forgot to slip on a pair of frilly panties before skipping merrily out the door. Don't you dare judge me.
When I picked up a copy of Philthy Phil's 1995 epic City Dragon this past summer, I wasn't too surprised at its sad, sorry condition. Void of plastic and covered with about fifteen price tags -- all of which kept descending in price, by the way -- I knew I had something special on my hands. The cover depicts a goofy-looking individual wielding a pair of nunchakus while screaming like a mad monkey in a bare banana tree. The tagline: "Beware his fury." However, what sold me on the film was not its sun-faded artwork or its brutally enticing screen captures. No, it was the presence of its still-unknown star MC Kung Fu. For two whole dollars, you can't go wrong with a setup like this. Right? I mean, right?
Right?
The description on the back of the DVD case boldly proclaims: "Ray and his friends, Philthy Phil and Rick roam the streets in search of justice. When the trio decide to visit the local club scene, they get far more than they bargained for." That's not entirely true. MC Kung Fu plays Ray, a savagely pathetic lady's man who rides 'em and dumps 'em Maury Povich-style. However, when he falls for a lady with a jealous ex-boyfriend, the level of radioactive danger and excitement increases considerably. For a moment or two, anyway. Sorry if I accidentally created exaggerated amounts of kung fu anticipation.
After a few poorly-choreographed fight sequences, Ray and his new wife(!) settle in for a quaint existence in the white-washed world of suburbia. Leaving his dog days behind him, Ray gets a job and prepares for the birth of his first child, though it doesn't take long before he's delivering some white hot beef to his sexy white boss. Lots of melodramatic nonsense ensues, including a daring escape by the jealous ex-beau from an insane asylum, leading to a hospital rooftop showdown between this crazed pasty lunatic and the only man who can take him down.
Since I was expecting something along the lines of a low-budget martial arts flick, you might say I'm a little disappointed with this particular purchase. But don't get me wrong -- City Dragon fires on all cylinders when approached as a hilarious glimpse into the early 90's as seen through the eyes of a rapping martial artist. All sorts of topical yet politically-correct issues are tackled, from safe sex to domestic abuse. Think of it as an urban Afterschool Special, one that relies heavily on scantily-clad women and nonsensical violence to drive its wonky message home.
Sadly, the flick has more feeble attempts at erotic sex than actual physical confrontations. When Ray does finally decide to throw down a little damage, it's usually with some random character who happens to be standing around at the time. The whole bloody affair is miserably uneven, poorly scripted, and horribly shot. But damn if it isn't a blast to watch. For all the wrong reasons, of course, but a blast nonetheless. Kudos to director Philthy Phil and his charimastic hunk of a hero MC Kung Fu. Though they never made another film after this classic, I know they're still dreaming of the big leagues. Catch a shooting star for me, too, okay?
I could seriously go on and on and on into the foothills of Virgina about the mindless insanity found buried within the bowels of City Dragon; I literally have a full page of collected stupidity to share with you and your entire clan of inbred bat children. But I won't. I won't do it. You see, on the off-chance that you may actually stumble across this oh-so obscure title, I refuse to spoil the rampant joy for anyone who loves a good unintentional comedy from one of the lamest decades in American pop culture. Much love, Generation X.
City Dragon, if nothing else, is a truly odd motion picture. Disguised as a kung fu movie, it hooks the unsuspecting martial arts fan into a world filled with lame fashions, rhyming heroes, stupid cracker-ass crackers, and the whitest baby ever conceived by two African-Americans. It's terrible; don't believe anyone who claims otherwise. With all of this working against it, I'm surprised I haven't scheduled this disc for immediate destruction at the local Bad Film Removal Service franchise. Truth be told, I actually kind of enjoyed the damned thing. It's a horrible little slab of cinema, mind you, but damn if it isn't super tasty. Unintentional comedy goes a long way with me, so City Dragon will always have a home in my snazzy collection of poopy.
Besides, I don't think I could give this beast away if I tried.
6 Spasms:
MC Kung Fu? I'd buy that for a dollar. Literally. Like when I slapped down a whole clam for The Guy With Secret Kung Fu out of the Walmart dollar bin next to the cash registers.
Now THAT's a treasure trove of movies.
No kidding. I found Warriors of the Wasteland and Karate Cop in that metallic rack of cinematic trash. The Wal-Mart closest to my house doesn't restock as often as it should.
I saw this movie a few months back, and it was on TV last night AGAIN.
I seriously doubt a worse movie was ever made...and to just prove what a graveyard this movie is for anyone who acted in it, look it up on imdb.com. No one associated with the movie has worked on anything ever again.
Bought City Dragon for a $1 in a used DVD store and found this page while trolling the internet for more info on this glorious piece of garbage. I was confused about the skin tone of the baby "little ray" but noticed upon further review that Tina tells Ray that the baby is her crazy ex-boyfriend's child. Tina tells Ray this after her father kicks her out and before Ray proposes to her. Loved your synopsis and just wanted to help you out because I was just as confused...however, knowing it is the crazy dude's baby only makes the movie even more confusing.
This movie is total entertainment. Long live City Dragon. And check out the latest movie from these guys, "Kung Fu Assassins".
It is the greatest film ever, and you're wrong: MC Kung Fu is in the process of finishing his latest flick Kung Fu Assassins. Keep your eyes peeled.
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