Don't forget to check the cabinets.Every two weeks or so I receive an obnoxious letter from an angry orphan demanding to know why, exactly, I'm such a fan of that snazzy microbudget martial arts epic Dinner With an Assassin. "The Film Fiend!" they cry, their jagged words scribbled across recycled tablet paper with an oversized black crayon. "How in the world can you enjoy something so horrible, so impossibly low budget? We're losing faith in you, Mr. Fiend, and we need all the faith and hope and support and love and tenderness someone like you can spare." Reading these letters usually makes me weep like a premature crack baby, an act that's usually reserved for toe stubbings and episodes of I Love New York.
Good luck, Tiffany!
Here's a little secret that you may find rather interesting: I don't hold microbudget projects to the same standard as, say, 300 or Fraggle Rock. That's just silly. No, when you watch something like Dinner With an Assassin or Rectuma, you have to take into consideration what the filmmakers had at their disposal. You're not going to accomplish amazing feats of cinematic wizardry if your production is funded by your grandmother's social security checks. It's true!
Anyway, once all is said and done and the DVDR spinning in your player comes to an abrupt halt, you have to ask yourself, "Did the filmmakers create this movie to the best of their ability?" If you can climb onto the roof of your double-wide and scream "Yes!" without falling face first onto a grinning lawn gnome, then that particular microbudget opus was a resounding success.
Congratulations!
Though I don't have a double-wide to stand on or a lawn gnome to fall upon, I am quite happy to announce to the entire world that MaT Kister's nifty no-budget horror flick The Grand Horror is quite the classy number. When I read that the film had a budget of around three-hundred smackers, I instantly had vivid flashbacks of a pathetic little ditty known as The Shunned. It almost made yours truly turn his back on microbudget horror forever, leaving a dark stain on my cinematic soul that will not come out no matter how many times I wash and repeat. Those who have witnessed this abomination should know exactly what I'm talking about.
Thankfully, The Grand Horror doesn't look or sound like a three-hundred dollar production. That's because Kister and crew have decided to keep everything simple, including the story. Here's the setup: While trying to stay alive during yet another blood-soaked zombie apocalypse, a group of mid-western Caucasian types take refuge inside an old movie theater to avoid becoming some undead douchebag's midnight snack. Unfortunately for all involved, the terror lurking inside this historic landmark may prove to be a bit more fearsome than the shambling morons roaming the streets outside. Mysteriously intriguing? You bet.
Since everybody and their greasy-headed grandpappy has a zombie movie to pimp on MySpace these days, it's reassuring to know there are those who strive to do something different with this overused sub-genre. Instead of having hordes of smelly dead people smashing windows and shuffling around a parking lot for two hours, Kistler uses this moldy scenario as a backdrop for an intriguing old-fashioned ghost story. What do I mean by "old-fashioned," you ask? That means no cheesy CGI spooks or silly overblown conclusions involving enormous computer-generated skulls. And thank the Jolly Green Giant for that.
The Grand Horror relies heavily on its cast of talented unknowns -- some more than others, of course -- and an ever-growing sense of dread to keep you glued to your second-hand futon. It's definitely a slow burn, allowing you to get up close and personal with its gaggle of foul-mouthed characters before things start to go horribly wrong. Kister also makes very good use of his single location without making me feel the least bit claustrophobic. Sorry to bring my personal problems to the table. I promise it won't happen again.
Is the movie perfect? God no. The editing is incredibly choppy in spots, resulting in a number of jarring scene changes and a few gaping holes in the soundtrack. At times you can actually hear things in the background that probably weren't scripted or intended. A train passing by, for instance, or snippets of conversations amongst the crew. To be fair, these problems are minuscule; if you aren't a pathetic film geek like me, you probably won't even notice them. Oh, and be sure to ignore the inconsistent facial hair on Steve. I'm assuming that was facial hair, anyway.
For a flick with a budget the size of my daily crack habit, completely ad-libbed dialogue, and a cast of lily white unknowns, The Grand Horror is a smashing success. Kister and crew have crafted a truly engaging ghost story that actually manages to put the oh-so tired "zombie apocalypse" scenario to good use. If the filmmakers could just clean up the editing a bit, fix the problem spots in the soundtrack, and possibly shrink the film to a brisk 75 to 80 minutes, I could easily see this thing picking up steam as a classy direct-to-video contender. I've definitely seen much worse collecting dust on video store shelves these days.
And for the record, my name isn't Bob.
Posted by
The Film Fiend
Posts
0 Spasms:
Post a Comment