March 03, 2007
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More like a light snack.Next to martial arts/kung fu flicks, horror/comedies are probably my favorite way to waste 90 minutes of my uber-simplistic life. And I'm not talking about that dreadful Scary Movie series, either. When I say horror/comedy, I'm referring to such fare as Peter Jackson's Braindead, Satan's Little Helper, Dead & Breakfast, Re-animator -- that sort of thing. Naturally, my interest in Feast -- the third film in Bravo's Project: Greenlight series -- seemed like a no-brainer, right? Well, yes and no. Allow me to explain in more detail than you're probably willing to digest. These things happen, I'm afraid.
Banner ads on various genre-related websites have hyperbole-laden quotes by such notable Internet personalities as Harry Knowles singing the film's praises to the zombies who actually pay attention to these marketing eyesores, hoping I'm sure to generate a substantial buzz before the thing falls onto store shelves. They'll need all the help they can get, especially considering Feast director John Gulager made Greenlight's third season almost unwatchable. The guy has a spine like wet bread, and his feeble attempts at nepotism and his incessant whining made me quickly lose interest in the program before its scheduled finale. Feast needs a strong campaign to bring people like myself back into the fold. So does the film live up to these glowing reviews and recommendations?
Again, yes and no.
Here's a one-sentence summary of the proceedings, because that's really all it takes to give you the low-down on the premise: A handful of under-achieving bar-flies -- including cult actor Jason Mewes(!) -- must contend with several sexually-charged, flesh-eating creatures who have them pinned inside a low-rent watering hole in the middle of the desert. That's it, folks. Nothing more to see here. What's funny is that the trailer I watched on our digital cable provider's video-on-demand service attempted to flesh out the film's storyline by providing information not contained in the movie itself. How brutally clever.
According to the preview, the creatures were designed by the US Gub'ment for top-secret military purposes. However, in order to make sure they're ready for deployment overseas, they decide to test them on some fine working-class Americans beforehand. If this plot device was actually contained in the film, you'll have to forgive me. Seeing Krista Allen with her clothes on was far more alluring than anything she did during her stint on Emmanuelle In Space, and my mind probably wandered to other, er, things. If you had Cinemax in the 90's, I'm sure you understand my dilemma.
Anyway, that's all you'll get in the Depth Department. Then again, Feast isn't the type of film that requires too much thought; doing so would probably ruin the experience, especially since it's as intelligent and coherent as last year's Teletubbies Christmas Special. In fact, none of the characters have names OR backgrounds, which would have gotten in the way of our desire to see them all die as soon as inhumanly possible. Feast is, in essence, the prototypical survival horror picture with a few splashes of humor thrown in to keep you awake. The character introductions are worth a chuckle or three, as are the changes to these intros whenever a new hero steps to the foreground.
My biggest complaint about Feast is that it often feels as though everyone on-board is trying WAY too hard to deliver a no-holds-barred cult classic. Sorry to burst your bubble, folks, but there's no such thing as a calculated cult classic. All attempts have failed in the past, and while Feast isn't a total failure, it does stink of desperation.
Out of all the mildly outlandish moments in the film, the "Penis in the Door" moment is probably the icing on the cake, though I won't ruin the joke by putting it into context for you. Other than that, there aren't many laugh-out-loud moments to mention. It's more amusing than funny, really. I'm sure you'll gasp and laugh whenever someone bites the dust in a gruesomely inventive way, but that's about it. Though the filmmakers want you to bust a gut and try their best to make you do so, chances are their sitcom-worthy attempts at humor won't stick very often.
Where the film truly shines is in its willingness to bring you plenty of over-the-top scenes of blood and guts, most of which are shown entirely on-screen for maximum enjoyment. This is a gorehound's squishy wet dream, for sure. You get decapitations, head crushings, face peelings, skin diseases, maggots -- you name it, chances are Gulager and company are ready to give it to you. That's got to account for something, right?
If Project: Greenlight's third season rubbed you the wrong way, don't let that sour experience prevent you from seeing the show's thoroughly-entertaining end result. Feast certainly isn't the end-all be-all horror/comedy of 2006 -- that honor easily goes to James Gunn's Slither -- nor does it deserve quite as much praise as others are willing to give it. It's entertaining enough, mind you, but it's really nothing you haven't seen before. In fact, the creature design is sub-par, the film itself is a little TOO dark and lensed with the dreaded "shaky cam" during most action sequences, and Henry Rollins simply cannot act. There. I said it.
Anyway, if you want a truly enjoyable locked-in-a-bar-while-fighting-monsters movie, rent From Dusk Till Dawn again and watch George Clooney stake a few busty blood-suckers. Otherwise, Feast may fit the bill. Just don't go in expecting some sort of earth-shattering horror experience, because it won't be found on the shiny disc in this particular DVD case. Sorry to disappoint, but I have to be honest with you.
Just don't shut my genitals in the door because of it.
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