Why is this very large woman celebrating?
Because The Film Fiend has two new reviews ready for consumption at Film Threat. You know you can't wait to get your chubby little hands around my throbbing words and phrases. Go on -- admit it.
Wanna eat 'em up like birthday cake? Click the links below.
Legion of the Liar
Mr. Reaper's Really Bad Morning
As soon as more reviews are posted, I'll toss 'em your way. I'm a very nice man.
Read me everyday! It helps keep the cancer away!
T.
How does one know when they have truly achieved greatness?Their work is linked from a nudie site.Celebrity looky-loos Mr. Skin were kind enough to provide a link to my review for Crooked. starring Don "The Dragon" Wilson and Olivier Gruner. Since "actresses" Diana Kauffman and Kara Wall strip down to their plastics during two particularly awkward sex scenes, Mr. Skin was there to give you the scoop. You can see for yourself by clicking here. There is NO PORNOGRAPHY on this site, just information about who gets naked and when. Scroll down to OTHER REVIEWS to behold the glory for yourselves.How brutally sweet.My career as a film critic is now complete. Having been linked from a celebrity porn site, I can now move on to other things.Like mechanical head banging in music videos.Stop stepping on my wires, mom!T.
I know it seems in poor taste to continue watching really violent movies during this very sensitive time in our world, but that's how yours truly deals with times of crisis and depression: I just keep plugging away like nothing has changed. This may appear insensitive to most, but it has served me well in the past. I internalize like a mofo.
My heart goes out to the friends and family of those who lost their lives at the Virgina Tech massacre earlier this week. I hope I am lucky enough to never experience such a devastating personal loss in my lifetime.
I wish there was more I could say.
Take care.
T.
Bryan Loves You, director Seth Landau's highly-anticipated follow-up to his fast food comedy Take Out, is slowly gearing up for its upcoming Halloween release. The film, based on a real 1993 incident involving a cult's influence on a small Arizona town, stars horror icons Tony Todd and Tiffany Shepis, as well as George Wendt, Daniel Roebuck, and Seth Landau himself.
Joblo.com recently ran two interesting articles on the film, which can be found by clicking here and over here. And if you're just dying to see the trailer, which I know you are, do that clicking thing with your mouse right there.
The production company was also kind enough to send over a few photos from the flick, which can be found below. I'll definitely keep you posted as more information is provided to me.
And just so you know: I love you the most. Really.
Nah.
T.
No, you aren't going crazy.
Do not attempt to adjust your default Internet browser. There's nothing wrong with your DSL connection.
So why are so many new reviews popping up all over The Film Fiend, you ask? Well, I'm currently in the process of relocating every single review found on the Livejournal site to the one you're currently reading. That's a lot of work, in case you're wondering. Not only do I have to find the appropriate posters and screen shots, I also have to reformat the write-ups for your maximum viewing pleasure. Oh what a busy, action-packed life I lead.
My goal is to do away with the other site completely, allowing my informative nuggets of cinematic knowledge to reside in the same location. It's lofty, it's self-indulgent, and it's a complete waste of my free time. You don't have to tell me twice.
Anyway, that's all. Return to your normal lives, which may already be in progress.
T.
Not your birthday, silly. The other B-Day.
Well, if you're not familiar with the other B-Day, I'm really not surprised. In fact, I just made it up on the spot. Kinda nifty, eh? Regardless of whether or not you find my snazzy new holiday to be worth your while, you cannot deny the fact that no less than THREE spiffy B-Grade action extravaganzas are on their way to retail shelves across the nation this very second. Want me to list them for you? You know you want me to. It's okay to admit it. Just don't tell your father, okay? He told me never to make lists for you again, you know, after what happened last time.
Sorry about that. Here's another list:
Flight of Fury (Steven Seagal) -- Our favorite not-quite-as-chubby aikido master must return a stolen stealth bomber before a covert terrorist organization can use it to detonate something nasty right here in these United States of America. Will Seagal prevail? As if you had to ask.
Crooked (Don "The Dragon" Wilson) -- A year in my life just isn't complete without a little Don Wilson action. Oh, yeah. This time the kickboxing champion finds himself protecting a sexy hooker from a gaggle of underworld goons and a handful of corrupt cops. Expect plenty of nonsense courtesy of veteran action director Art Camacho.
Walking Tall: The Payback (Hercules) -- Was the pointless yet entertaining remake of Walking Tall not enough to satisfy your hunger for glossy small town heroics? If not, there's a sequel just waiting to take your breath away. It's essentially the same setup as last time, so I'll spare you the details.
The question remains: Can you handle this spectacular Cheese Trifecta? I seriously doubt it. However, if you're willing to take the challenge, you can find these wonderful little films everywhere on February 20th. Buy an extra copy for your mother, too. You know she loves Seagal.
Happy B-Day!
T.
Have you heard the news? Everyone's flying into town to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. Though I'm supposed to keep the details under wraps until the big press conference tomorrow evening, I've decided to give up some of the sweet stuff to you, my faithful readers. Why? Because I'm a swell guy, that's why. I'm so swell that I literally gain fourteen pounds of water weight whenever I happen to catch my reflection in a mirrored surface. Ain't that grand? Don't that just beat all you've ever heard?
Without further ado, the big news is:
TheFilmFiend.Com Is Alive!
It's Alive!
You heard me, gramps. Oh, yeah. You can now visit this glorious site by simply entering http://thefilmfiend.com or, if you so choose, http://www.thefilmfiend.com into your favorite web browser. Exciting? Of course it is. Why, I'm sure you're wetting yourself as I speak. Don't be embarrassed.
Anyway, that's all.
T.
With Pick of Destiny hitting shelves on February 27th, yours truly decided it was time to unleashed the controversial workprint edition of this box-office flop onto those who visit this site on a regular basis. Aren't you lucky? Aren't you? Of course you are. Not many people have witnessed this cut of the film -- outside of Pakistan, that is -- since Jack Black absolutely detests this version. I don't know how long this link will last, dear readers, but I'll keep it alive for as long as the man will allow. Damn that man. Damn him good. Damn him straight to Hell.
Anyway, you can access the workprint edition of Tenacious D in Pick of Destiny by simply clicking here. Oh, and be sure to tell your pothead friends to stop by and check out the fun. I wouldn't want them to miss out on all the action simply because they're too stoned to figure things out.
Serving the public trust, as always.
T.
Because he knows you love him oh-so much, action guru Steven Seagal is back in the proverbial saddle once again, delivering more wonky straight-to-video thrills with Flight of Fury. As you may already know, I get incredibly giddy whenever the big guy drops another low-budget aikido masterpiece in our unsuspecting laps, regardless of the fact that his last two efforts have been somewhat lacking in the quality department. What can I say -- I'm sucker for cheesy action flicks. I'm certain there are worse things to become addicted to. Like, say, TrimSpa, or video games.
What does all this hoopla mean? It means you can expect your local neighborhood Film Fiend to have one of the first Flight of Fury reviews in cyberspace, filled with the snarky, good-natured humor you've come to know and love. Though I have serious reservations about Seagal's latest effort, it should work as a low-calorie sneak break while I wait for Once Upon a Time in the Hood to hit shelves sometime this year. Seagal in the hood, you say? I'll take two, please.
The Flight of Fury DVD street February 20th, so be sure to mark that date on your calendar. Scratch out your mom's birthday if you have to. I honestly don't care.
In the meantime, enjoy a little retro Seagal action by way of John Flynn. Just click here.
T.
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