Bio Zombie (1998)


Would you like to hear something sad? Well, maybe it's not terribly sad, but it does say a few things about my life that some folks might find a little depressing. I've watched director Wilson Yip's Bio Zombie six times now. Do you want to know something else? No? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway: I plan to watch it again very soon. Too many years have passed since my last viewing, and I'd somehow forgotten about much I truly and deeply love this film. It's delirious, offbeat, and strange -- and all of these elements come together despite everything working against them. However, to truly appreciate Bio Zombie's unique brand of sheer craziness, you need to watch the English dub. I don't usually utter those hideous words, but the Tokyo Shock DVD has one of the loopiest English dubs I've ever encountered. It rivals The Story of Ricky, and that's not something I would ever say lightly. Long story short (too late): I love Bio Zombie, and I want others to enjoy it, too, which is why I'm writing about it today. Duh.

Here's the story in a nutshell: Well, this is where things get a little complicated. You see, Bio Zombie doesn't have much of a story to speak of -- or at least a coherent story, anyway. The tale centers around the exploits of brothers Woody (Jordan Chan) and Crazy Bee (Sam Lee), two lazy, good-for-nothing mall employees who harass women, sell stolen goods to local merchants, recklessly drive other people's vehicles, attack and rob folks in restrooms, bully anyone who gets in their way, and wander aimlessly around malls when they're not working at a dodgy VCD shop. Unfortunately for the duo, things get a little hairy when they accidentally hit a suspicious character with the aforementioned automobile and force him to consume a soda that transforms people into flesh-eating zombies. Whoops! Before long, these grotesque monstrosities are attacking everyone in the mall, and it's up to these two obnoxious clowns to protect a handful of lovely ladies from the living dead. It's all in a day's work.

Yes, Bio Zombie is pretty much as stupid as it sounds, but therein lies its charm. Again, when I say that you need to watch the dubbed version, I'm not kidding. It's quite possibly one of the greatest dubs ever created, and there are plenty of low-budget kung fu movies from the 70s and 80s that could easily compete for that title without breaking a sweat. But there's something about the over-the-top nature of Bio Zombie's English dub that makes it so endlessly appealing. Listening to Woody berate everyone he comes into contact with wouldn't be the same without the efforts of the clearly enthusiastic English-speaking actor tasked with playing that role. And while Crazy has his own charms -- in a Beavis and Butthead-Dude, Where's My Car? kind of way -- his brother steals every moment. There's some zombie carnage to speak of and a few wonky action sequences, but everything takes a backseat to that dub, my friend. Everything. Maybe I'm overselling the product like a desperate door-to-door vacuum salesman who has yet to meet his quota, but it's really a thing of absolute beauty. If you can get your hands on a copy of Bio Zombie, I urge you to do so, especially if you're a fan of late 90s Chinese cinema and weirdo comedies in general. And remember: Don't forget the English dub. Please. Don't.


Der Samurai (2014)


I've come to the point in my fascination with cinema where I tend to gravitate toward the stranger, more peculiar end of the spectrum, as opposed to simply consuming anything and everything that comes my way. I guess this sort of thing happens when your free time is increasingly sucked away by life, work, and the other stuff that pops up over the course of the day. And although writer/director Till Kleinert's 2014 horror/action/drama/mind-fuck Der Samurai seems like something tailor-made to scratch my unstoppable, unrelenting cinematic itch for odd movies, for one reason or another, I'd always passed it up when I had a chance to give it a go. Thankfully, I finally came to my senses and dropped this fantastic German flick directly into my collection. Not only is it one of the most refreshing movies I've watched this year, it's also earned itself a spot as one of those movies I'll feverishly recommend to the few friends I still have. If you're one of those unfortunate individuals, I apologize in advance.

Here's the story in a nutshell: Jakob (Michel Diercks), a young cop in a small German town, employs a unique strategy to prevent a lone wolf from emerging from the woods and wreaking havoc: He fills the surrounding woods with giblets he picks up from the local butcher shop. Although he's a pretty nice guy, Jakob doesn't get much respect from others around town, including his boss and the local gang of bikers who seem on the cusp of causing some major trouble. However, everything changes when our hero receives a mysterious package addressed to the town's resident lone wolf. After receiving a mysterious phone call, Jakob encounters a mysterious crossdresser who swears he's the proud owner of the parcel that contains a long, sharp katana. Thus begins an evening that involves Jakob, the enigmatic samurai, a fair amount of bloodshed, and some unexpected full-frontal male nudity.

The back of the Artsploitation Blu-ray claims that Der Samurai has a lot in common with the early works of David Lynch, but I think this bold statement ultimately sells the film short. Kleinert and his extremely talented cast have created something a bit more coherent and approachable than anything Lynch has created over the years -- and this is coming from a full-blown, die-hard Lynch fanatic. And while I can see some shades of Blue Velvet throughout this unique cinematic experience, I think it has more in common with The Hitcher than anything else. The titular samurai has a lot in common with the antagonist from Robert Harmon's 1986 classic, although I'd say that Pit Bukowski rocks a dress better than Rutger Hauer any day of the week. The film's slow and steady pacing, mixed with some homoerotic undertones and the lack of a clear, definitive explanation, will no doubt make those who hate arthouse horror roll their eyes until their ocular cavities collapse. But those of us who crave something off-the-cuff and altogether different from the genre should have nothing to complain about.


The Assassin (1993)


I picked up director Siu-Hung Chung's powerful 1993 martial arts/swordplay flick The Assassin years ago at a second-hand shop for just a couple of dollars. Instead of watching it right away, the flick sat on a shelf in my collection unwatched for over five years. Realizing that I'd never popped this bad boy into my DVD player, I decided to finally visit The Assassin and quickly discovered that I'd been sleeping on one of the most thoroughly enjoyable flicks in this genre. The film suffers from some production issues due to its low budget (I'm sure someone will disagree with that statement), but it makes up for its shortcomings with kinetic energy, an engaging story, and a wonderful score. The good news: You can pick it up for a few dollars on Amazon. If you like this sort of flick, it's certainly worth grabbing.

Here's the story in a nutshell: Tong Po Ka (Fengyi Zhang), a poor farmer with bad hair, and his chick Yiu (Rosamund Kwan) find themselves in a bit of a pickle when lots of angry guys armed with sticks decide these two lovebirds shouldn't be together. After having his eyes sewn shut, our hero and a group of other miserable prisoners must participate in a no-holds-barred battle to the death, with the winner forced to become an assassin for a blood-thirsty eunuch who has a penchant for long, metallic fingernails and enormous, ornately-carved dildos. After years for beheading, dismembering, and eviscerating his boss' enemies, Tong stumbles across Yiu, who isn't too happy with her former lover's habit of indiscriminately murdering people for a silver-haired madman. When Tong attempts to leave the assassination game for good, he discovers that his megalomaniacal boss isn't willing to let him go without a fight.

I'm currently on a mission to watch flicks I've purchased but never watched, which should take me the better part of two years to accomplish, and this was the first one on the list. I'm not sure what I expected when I popped The Assassin into my trusty, well-worn DVD player. The story itself isn't too far removed from other flicks about assassins who decide they're not interested in murdering large scores of people anymore (see No Tears for the Dead if you want another superior take on this story). That said, Siu-Hung Chung's bold decision to stuff an enormous amount of cartoonish, over-the-top violence helps smooth the script's rough edges. Zhang's portrayal of Tong, a man who really doesn't want to spend his days slaying people at the drop of a hat, also saves the film from becoming yet another tired, cliche-ridden excursion into well-worn kung fu tropes. He may not enjoy killing, but those murders certainly make for good cinema, especially when everything comes together in under 90 minutes.

If you want to watch a really shitty, pixelated version on YouTube, check out the embed below.


New Trailer for HK Hentai Kamen 2


HK Hentai Kamen is one of those movies that you're almost embarrassed to admit that you've seen, let alone thoroughly enjoyed. The damned thing was a lot more fun than it had any right to be, and not in that ironic hipster kind of way. HK was genuinely entertaining, so I'm not at all disappointed to hear that the cast and crew have returned for a sequel. This time around, our well-endowed, scantily-clad hero must contend with a serious problem: all of the panties in the world are disappearing. It sounds like a cinematic head injury on paper, but trust me - this flick does not disappoint.

HK Hentai Kamen 2 is set for release in Japan this May. The cast includes Ryohei Suzuki, Fumika Shimizu, Tsuyoshi Muro, Ken Yasuda, Jiro Sato, Narushi Ikeda, Takashi Tsukamoto, Yoshinori Okada, and Shunsuke Daito. Check out the latest trailer and a pretty badass poster below.


Confession of Murder (2012)


My Blu-ray buying habits probably seem quite odd to most people. In short: I browse through Amazon, find a movie I've purchased and thoroughly enjoyed, and look through the site's recommended titles. If I stumble across something that sounds moderately enjoyable, I'll gladly add the flick to my cart - assuming the price is right. That's essentially how I stumbled across Byeong-gil Jeong's 2012 thriller Confession of Murder, a film that, according to its description, sounded like a typical South Korean thriller involving a serial killer and a seasoned but heavily flawed cop obsessed with bringing him down. In other words, it seemed like a sound purchase, and that's precisely why I bought it. However, I didn't expect to love it as much as I do. Scratch that, I absolutely adore it, flaws and all. No joke.

Here's the story in a nutshell: Detective Choi (Jae-yeong Jeong) seems like a pretty unhappy guy, and it's all because he let a sadistic serial killer slip right through his fingers. What's worse, the killer left an extremely unpleasant a scar on his gaunt, Billy Bob Thorton-esque grill. Years later, after the statute of limitation runs out on those grisly murders, the killer, Du-sok Lee (Shi-hoo Park), emerges from the shadows with a new book, which quickly becomes a national bestseller. Although Choi can't lay a finger on the guy, legally speaking, the victims' unstable family members plan to kidnap the good-looking slasher in hopes of getting a little well-deserved and long overdue revenge. However, things are soon complicated when a mysterious stranger named J claims that he's the real killer. Is Du-sok Lee a bald-faced liar, or is J just attempting to ride on the suave author's immaculately-tailored coattails? It doesn't take things very long to get really complicated and deliriously convoluted. Just the way I like it.

I expected something a bit more subdued and low-key when I sat down with Confession of Murder, but I was presented with something else entirely. The opening chase sequence assaults your senses with a delirious amount of shaky cam and lightning-quick cuts - it's enough to give Michael Bay unstoppable seizures for weeks. Things do slow down a bit once the time jump takes place, but the film itself never really takes the storyline seriously. It's overwrought, over the top, and weirdly humorous, although I'm not entirely sure that was intentional. Regardless, I was never bored during the flick's two-hour runtime, and I found myself a little disappointed when the end credits began to roll. I may not have liked it for the reasons the filmmakers intended, but it's currently one of the most enjoyable movies I've seen thus far this year. And that twist? I never saw it coming. But maybe that says more about my intelligence than the skills of the screenwriter. Regardless, I had a blast and wouldn't hesitate to watch it again.

Thank God for the folks at Well Go USA and their moderately-priced Blu-rays.


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