The Spider Labyrinth (1988)
Director: Gianfranco Giagni
Writers: Riccardo Aragno, Tonino Cervi
Cast: Roland Wybenga, Paola Rinaldi, Margareta von Krauss
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Synopsis: After traveling to Budapest, a young scientist discovers that a bizarre cult is guarding the secrets to an ancient mystery.
Thoughts: This loopy little supernatural shocker from Italy is about what you'd expect from the genre: lots of gory murders, a few moments of gratuitous nudity, and an abundance of illogical plotting. To be fair, the picture has plenty of atmosphere to spare, and the sequences of blood-soaked murder are somewhat effective despite the obvious budgetary limitations. The final ten minutes veer off into rampant surrealism, culminating in a baby/spider birth sequence that almost destroyed my brain. The overall tone of the flick is vaguely Lovecraftian, though I can't recall any of the aforementioned author's stories involving bushy Italian crotches and murderous hags who ensnare people with their demonic spit. And people wonder why I spend so much time wallowing in cinematic obscura. Wonky, but totally enjoyable.
Recipe For Success: One Helpful Old Homeless Hermit + Lots of Creepy Eccentrics + One Grisly Old Woman with Serious Dental Hygiene Issues
Hercules Against Karate (1974)
Director: Antonio Margheriti
Writers: Sergio Donati, Luciano Vincenzoni
Cast: Alberto Terracina, Fernando Bilbao, and Jolina Mitchell-Collins
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Synopsis: An obnoxious pretty boy and his dimwitted, musclebound sidekick travel to Hong Kong in order to steal a child from his gangster-loving mom.
Thoughts: I watched this turkey on Netflix in the middle of the night, so you'll excuse me if this particular motion picture doesn't seem entirely real. I can vaguely recall watching a hairy Italian giant and his wiry little buddy lock horns with a bevy of paper-thin villains, but I'll be damned if I can't remember how it was all connected. There might have been some cheap pratfalls, a few crude jokes, and a couple of misguided romantic trysts, but to be perfectly honest, I can't say for sure. The fact that the film remains in my RECENTLY WATCHED queue indicates that it exists on some level, but I'm almost afraid to re-watch the damned thing for fear that my recollection isn't nearly as entertaining as the feature itself. I do believe that I giggled and broke wind at some point, but that may have been involuntary. Make of this what you will.
Recipe For Success: Hairy Italian Man Falling Down + Lots of Terribly Racist Jokes + Tiny Asian Men Falling Down
Deathstalker (1983)
Director: James Sbardellati
Writer: Howard R. Cohen
Cast: Rick Hill, Barbi Benton, Richard Brooker
MPAA Rating: R
Synopsis: A muscular warrior embarks on a dangerous quest to stop a villainous wizard by competing in the magic-user's violent tournament.
Thoughts: There's a scene about halfway through this unremarkable sword and sorcery yarn that features a heroic sexual assault on a toady little henchman who has been magically transformed into a woman. It's easily one of the most bizarro moments in the entire film, save for the near rape of a female slave by a foul, disgusting creature that's half human and half pig. In fact, there's probably more rape and perversity sprinkled throughout Deathstalker than actual swordplay, a fact that actually causes this picture to lose a little footing with me. Gratuitous nudity is fine and dandy, but random, pointless misogyny doesn't qualify as entertainment in my neck of the woods. Still, the rubbery monsters and the multiple beheadings are great fun, and help ease the pain of the film's more questionable moments. A moderately amusing mess.
Recipe for Mediocrity: Lots of Big, Bare 80's Ass + Not Nearly Enough Hideous Monsters + One Too Many Sexual Assaults
Hanger (2009)
Director: Ryan Nicholson
Writers: Ryan Nicholson, Patrick Coble
Cast: Debbie Rochon, Dan Ellis, Nathan Dashwood
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Synopsis: The product of a botched abortion teams up with his biological father to track down the sadistic pimp who murdered his mother.
Thoughts: The words "freakishly horrifying" frequently popped into my head while viewing director Ryan Nicholson's latest self-proclaimed abortion, a sinister and viscerally disturbing flick specifically designed to shock your senses. Not only is the viewer treated to a racially insensitive Chinese stereotype who collects soiled, odorous tampons, audiences will also come face-to-face with an up close and extremely personal colostomy rape, which has to rank as one of the most visually disgusting scenes this jaded film fiend has ever encountered. As foul and ultimately pointless as this whole sordid affair might sound, I thoroughly enjoyed my stay in Nicholson's severely warped universe. And, yes, I know how impossibly sick and perverted that sounds.
Recipe For Success: One Seriously Deformed Anti-Hero + One Cup of Bloody Tampon Tea + Dick Tracy Inspired Character Design
Catfish (2010)
Director: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman
Writer: N/A
Cast: Yaniv Schulman, Ariel Schulman, Megan Faccio
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Synopsis: An obnoxious group of New York filmmakers discover that their buddy's internet girlfriend isn't exactly who she claims to be.
Thoughts: Although the film has been marketed as a Paranormal Activity-style horror flick, Catfish is actually a documentary about a startling discovery one naive twenty-something makes during an extended and frequently steamy online relationship. The heart of the picture arrives once the filmmakers embark on an ill-fated road trip, one that seems to have a deep and profound effect on everyone involved. Unfortunately, the film may never find its audience, as those who would enjoy it most will no doubt be turned off by its shamelessly misleading marketing campaign. What a pity.
Recipe For Success: An Unexpected Amount of Heart + Watching Hipsters Squirm + People on Facebook Are Crazy. All of Them.
|
|
